Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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