I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
