I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
