If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
