I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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