my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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