it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
