"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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