East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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