when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
