everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
the raccoons are back...
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