Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
