i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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