Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
