I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
