I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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