I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
