So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
