We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
