i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
