He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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