If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
