After last night, I could never be a politician.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
