Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
