Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
