Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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