You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
