i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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