she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
