The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
