I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
