dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
