forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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