I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
