Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
