I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
