Kareoke will never be a sober sport
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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