Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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