end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
