im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
