4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
