I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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