If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
