Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
