im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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