I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
