Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
