She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
