I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
