he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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