I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
