update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
