WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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