OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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